Is it a Novel or a Screenplay for NCIS? a Post by R. Clint Peters

I recently finished a self-published adventure novel that was more an attempt to be a screen play for Star Wars or NCIS than an adventure novel.  It took about three pages to shift from reader to critiquer.

Why a critique?  The author, who shall remain nameless to protect the innocent, broke almost every rule of writing I have discovered in the past year of searching for answers for my own writing.

Let’s start with Show, Don’t Tell.

From my study of Show, Don’t Tell, I found this concise description:

When you show, you’re using words to create a scene that readers instantly visualize. Instead of intellectually registering what you’re telling them, they fully imagine what you’re showing them.

That seems to be simple, but the big question is how do you do that?  From another source, I discovered these tips about Show, Don’t Tell:

1.  Use dialogue

2.  Use sensory language

3.  Be descriptive

4.  Be specific, not vague

In the book I read, the author mostly follows the rules of dialogue, although there were a few instances where proper punctuation in dialogue was missed.  For example:  “I need a phone, is there one close by?”  Sorry, the comma should be a period.  “I need a phone.  Is there one close by?”

Punctuation seemed to be a consistent problem throughout the novel.  Words that needed a comma between them had no comma.

Another problem, according to what I have researched, was sentence length.  Several times, I found sentences in excess of 45 words.

The number one issue I had with the novel is the author moves the major and minor characters around in three and four pages of telling.   When I submitted the Alberta Connection to my publisher, I was assigned an editor who told me how to incorporate backstory.  Granted, moving a character around might not be backstory, but it needs to be approached as backstory.

For example:  Let’s move John from Los Angeles to Phoenix.

The sun was barely peaking over the mountains when John walked out to his Toyota Camry, opened the driver’s side passenger door, and placed his duffle bag on the seat.  After he closed the passenger door, he slid into the drivers seat, inserted his key in the ignition, fired up the engine, and placed the shifter in “D”.  After a short stop at a Circle K to fill his tank, he drove to the I-10 onramp, and pointed his vehicle east. 

That’s just the first paragraph of ten I could have used to tell about John’s trip to Phoenix.  Let’s try the same trip in dialogue:

As John walked up Valerie’s sidewalk, she slammed through the screen door and rushed to his arms. 

“How was the trip, honey?”

“Too long.  The sun wasn’t even awake when I left.  The gas prices are thirty cents higher a gallon in LA.   The traffic sucked until I got east of Redlands.  Blythe looks like it’s ready to fall off the earth.  I stopped in Quartzite for a six pack of soda.  I’m not going to enjoy the drive back to LA.”

After a kiss, Valerie smiled and said, “You can always take me with you.”

What’s the difference?  The information might still be the same, but the reader is overhearing a conversation.

When I started editing The Alberta Connection a few days ago, I noticed I had paragraph after paragraph of telling and not showing.  My first act was to cut almost 4 pages (8.5 x 11) out of the first two chapters and paste them after the final sentence in the book, under the heading of backstory.  That got rid of a lot of telling.  The focus during the next editing phase will be to find a way to incorporate those pages into the novel as dialogue.

In addition to the problems with dialogue and show, don’t tell, the novel I read wanted to be an action-adventure novel, but turned into a science fiction or fantasy novel.  There were just too many unrealistic and contrived situations.

This is the second novel I’ve read lately that considers as many crises as possible makes a good book.  Most of the characters were stick figures, with little or no development to them.  Yes, the author details the motivations for the incidents, but the characters remain one dimensional or maybe two, but never three.

I think this author would benefit from a good friend, a good editor, or a good search engine to find the answers on the Internet.  All three have helped me in my search to become an author and not just a monkey with a typewriter.

#RClintPeters #TheAuthorsClub